I don't want this life

Sometimes it hits Me like a bat to the head: The self-loathing that comes with remembering My stupidity in certain contexts. It isn't really big things, it's stuff that is at best embarassing, but it implies a lack of perfection. No, I don't think I am perfect, so why does it bother Me so much that it floods Me with absolute despair, and makes Me desire to change My entire life?

Lately it has been focused on D/s and S/m. Everything stupid thing I experienced with a submissive comes back up to the forefront of My mind: The whip that struck down the coffee, the ropes that pinched the balls in just the wrong way, the chains that were too tight and did not release, the safeword I ignored for at least 30 seconds, causing severe panic, the bleeding I hadn't foreseen... It's parading over My subconscious, bouncing to the front of My mind in the still moments. Driving a car, walking, watching television, doing dishes - when My head isn't busy focusing on something else, I find Myself utterly disgusted and wondering how I could possibly do these things to another human being.

What does this mean? I don't know. At the moment it makes Me want to throw out all the toys, and never turn to D/s again. But while I think this, I also know that I haven't had a full body orgasm, one where I felt like everything fell into place and body and mind were one, since April last year, when I last tortured somebody I was also deeply involved with. I am never as happy as I am when I know I can play when I like, with My favourite victim. I am never as depressed as when I haven't played for a long time, and think about playing from the cold, clear distance of having had everything turned off for a long time. And I am not bi-polar, it's not the randomness of my hormonal level that puts Me up to this.

I am not sure what My mind is trying to tell Me though. Should I make a serious effort to find a regular play partner I click with, and get to playing? That would mean leaving the job, moving elsewhere and most likely be rejected by most of My loved ones. Should I just stop thinking about D/s, stop playing and avoid making such a fool of Myself in the future? That would be the easier path, the gentler and safer.

Both alternatives makes Me grieve just at the thought though. I am trapped in My life. And there are very few ways out.